Tuesday 3 March 2020

Season of Wilting Can Be Actually A Godsend Too

Hello beautiful souls!

Oh how much I have missed this. 2019 was such an eventful year yet I did not even even get an entry once. Even with months of not publishing a post, I never did miss a year except for the previous year.

I, somehow got locked out of my blog and when I tried everything but eventually failed, I was so crushed. I have worked on this blog since I was 22! I have blogged my lows of lows and my highs of highs here and maybe it could be God's grace that I retrieved this baby after how many months.

2019 was such a great year. It was a year where I had to remove myself and 'repot' in a new environment so I can grow. I resigned from my full time job where I spent 3 years starting from my 3rd year internship and chased the dream of chasing my masters degree. Also in 2019, I manage to fulfil my dream and cross off of going to South Korea in my bucketlist. It truly was a dream come true.

Even with those 'big' happy events, I found myself struggling towards the end of 2019. I thought that when you follow God's dream for you, it would be smooth sailing. But it was not the case for me. I had this mental picture and plan in my head that after I get back from Korea that I would apply for a part time job which I did. I got a promising phone call interview from a retail store but when it was time for me to ring back and mention my availability, that was when my assignments in college piled up. I found myself in a position of weighing my priorities. I knew that if I say yes to a part time job, I had to surrender something and the thought of giving up good grades was not an option and so was giving up my service in my community.

With the piling up of assignments and giving up service circulating in my head and having to adjust back to the student life with full dependence to her parents at age 28 stressed me out. Stress really took a toll on me that it is so evident through my skin. Yup, my skin. For my friends who have known me the longest, my skin is one of my biggest insecurities. It is also something that I baby a lot because one wrong move can mess it up. I am not just talking about pimples on your face. I feel lucky if I just get that since I can manage that. But getting eczema and psoriasis all throughout your upper body especially all throughout my arms with severe itchiness and pain because of the swelling.

On top of that, I battled with my season of 'wilting'. I am still clinging on the promises of our faithful God but it is hard when your head gets so much in the game and also gets ahead sometimes. Even though I enjoy my course (I really do), I cannot help but fall into my imposter syndrome. Every project I come up with and am proud of, before submitting, my head gets into this idea that 'I'm no designer that's why my classmate question my design concept for the concert poster assignment' or 'I didn't even go to film school to even cover good storytelling or even get the angles right'.

It was such a burden to carry and that burden consumed me. And because of this I felt so undeserving to serve in my household or even in my mission area. I wanted to give more of my time, my effort and myself to all aspects of my life but how can I give when I have nothing left?

The ESC planning weekend in Helsinki gave me so much realisations. I realised that there are also people going through the same thing as me. We all are broken people in the desert. But even so, I was reminded that it was God who brought us in the desert. I had such great late night conversations during that weekend that an ate told me that acknowledging our weaknesses makes us realise that we are not to rely on our capabilities but on God's T__T. THAT HIT ME!

But I still managed somehow. It could be because of passion but I am sure because of my prayer warriors who are rooting and praying for me non-stop. On 2nd March, I got my exam results and passed everything! Visual Communication, Web Authoring and Video Production are my highest grades T__T Praise God right?! Even with that said, I still carry the burden of imposter syndrome to be honest but this time a tad bit more confident from the grades that I received. But my ambitious side is hoping to get my work exhibited at the end of the year. Please help me pray for it!

This song has been on repeat ever since the album was released and the lyrics just touched my heart T__T.
Heart under fire, facing defeat/
So close to surrender, to my enemies/

But Love came from heaven, to fight for me

When I am defenseless, You climb in the trenches

The King of all glory, made Himself low

To be my defender, wherever I go

My shield and my refuge, protector and friend

You're always here with me
Okay, I know this post is a long one and I am not even sure if I am still making any sense but I am grateful even in this wilting season even if it is difficult. I know God will sustain me through this. And know that He will do the same to you!

Peace & Love,